Where My Heart Lies

When I was 23, D and I worked with YWAM Panama. It was amazing. I loved every minute of it. I even loved the intense humidity.

Someday I want to go back. Yes for a visit, but that isn’t what I mean. Part of my heart lies in Panama. It lies with the people, the culture and most of all the children.

It wasn’t even just the outside that drew me in, it was me too. I knew who I was, I knew my God. I felt my God. I heard my God. My faith was not the definition of faith. I KNEW my God.

Here though, here it’s all clouded. I second guess, and I make excuses. I don’t trust in the voice of God. I walk a fine line seeing glimpses of Christ, but in a fog.

There are so many distractions here, so much that says it is not God.

It’s my job, my money, my family, my food, my car, my my my. I am impressive! Look at all the things I provide for myself. It is so easy to forget that it’s all from God. It’s easy to accept that it’s me and my doing. It’s easy to fall into the trap.

I’m working on listening and seeing God here and now. He’s here. He’s never left, I’m just not listening.

I’ll keep pushing through though.

It’s ok to be angry with Jesus

Today I learned yet a new lesson and a new level in my faith. It’s ok to be angry with Jesus.

There are a gazillion verses in the bible to help us through our anger. God knows it will be there. I think the most important thing we can do when we are angry with God… is tell Him.

The book of Habakkuk is all about this. God does not mind when we are angry, it’s what we do with it. Will that anger pull us away or draw us closer to him. It’s not a lot, but it’s one of the most important lessons we can learn.

Mastering it… well that’s another challenge entirely.

Failure

So my good friend Aimee has been telling me that I need to update this blog. Here goes...

How can you follow a God that you can't see? I don't know, but somehow I'm pulling along.
I believe there is a God, I believe there are people that can see God moving. I believe this is a common and everyday occurrence for some people. I used to be one of those people.
I don't know where it went, or how it went. I can't see God where I need to. He's there and he's moving, I just can't see it.
I find God in the small things, the beauty of the world, my husband, my son... but what about the big things. The ones that make the biggest ripple in who you become.
I'm so wrapped up in the unfairness of it all, that I am blind to what He's doing.
I know in my heart God answers and God moves and it's not always the way that you want it to be. But sometimes... sometimes you need it to be what you want.
It is our brokenness that allows us to see God. It is our need. You must hit the bottom before you can look up, or so I've heard.

How much further must I be broken to see Him? Why does my stubborn heart and concealed mind hold me back?
I have seen miracles with my own eyes... why is that not enough anymore?