Lately life’s fragility has surrounded me. Is it possible to pray for all of them? Can it be? How can I really help them? Would God save them all?
Today I watched a video of a girl that will lose her life. She will lose her battle with CF. She only has a few days left.
Sometimes I’m overwhelmed. Today is one of those days.
It’s like my heart is breaking off into little pieces. One for each of them. What do I do with this?
Part of me is so afraid. Afraid to put myself out there. Afraid to be a REAL friend to those who need me. I know that God has a reason he’s showing me all this. I know He has a reason that I am in their lives, and that I keep finding new people to bring in my life.
I know this in my head, but my heart is scared.
And lately, this fear has been paralyzing me, so to speak. I’m almost afraid to pray. What if He doesn’t answer in the way I want. What does that mean for my prayers?
Sometimes I even try to bargain with God. What if I were more faithful? What if I prayed every day for so and so? What if I prayed every hour?
What if it were just me praying, is that enough? What if it were 10,000 people? Does that make a difference? How does God choose?
What is He teaching me? And why is it so hard? Why is it so painful?
I know that this is nothing compared to those who are going through these things, and I’m sorry that I’m whining, but it’s too much to hold in. I have no answers, but I hope God teaches me something tangible soon.
