Thursday, October 29, 2009

On My Own?

6610_1210248976093_1224794917_1124759_8121257_n Ahh, my sweet little Gavin. Life has been so different with you around. We are truly blessed to have you in our lives. I feel as though I am being pulled and stretched to grow in ways I never knew. Notice the pulled part :)

Gavin’s birth was not at all what I had envisioned. Dan and I had spent some time planning a natural birth. My choice of pain management was hypnobirthing. I didn’t take the classes, but I was going to apply the relaxing techniques with lots of prayer and trust that God was with me, and designed it all.

Well, that’s not how it all happened. Two days after my due date I had an ultrasound to check on our little guy (I had been measuring small for a couple of weeks). My doctor, who is amazing by the way, was on vacation and came in from home to give me the ultrasound. Turns out my fluid was low. As they were concerned and it was a Friday…I was sent across the street to the hospital to be induced. Can you say totally irrationally unprepared for that. Induction was not part of my plan.

As I said, my doctor was on vacation so I had another doctor who I wasn’t familiar with. He was great though, and did check to see if I was maybe possibly starting labor on my own. Nope! So the Pitocin was started.

After 7 hours, 3 tries of pitocin, a cervical catheter, urinary catheter, epidural, several extremely frightening heart rate drops (that seemed to last for hours), nurses flipping me all around, oxygen masks, lots of tears and 1 cesarean…my little boy arrived safe and sound! The doctors never found any reason for all his trouble.

In the end, I was right about one thing. God was with me through it all. He gave my my wonderful husband, who watched the monitors like a hawk for each and every heartbeat drop and ran to get the nurses for us every time. He gave me the calm cool husband that I needed. While he was terrified on the inside, he kept it all together for me. He helped me to calm down during each episode, and helped to flip me all around when my legs no longer worked from the epidural. God brought me to a wonderful smaller hospital where the nurses and doctor were able to keep a close eye on me. There are so many reasons I could go on forever. But there is one particular moment where God stood out to me.

When it came time for the epidural, I was already closed to tears and frightened. I tried so hard to hold it together. Each time I was touched by the needle, my muscles spasmed. I couldn’t stop it. I was so frightened of the damage I could do by jumping, scared for my little boy, upset I couldn’t hold it all together…etc. All this together added up to a small bit of hysterical. In that moment I finally realized I couldn’t do it on my own. I cried out to God, knowing I was incapable of calming myself enough for this, let alone stay still. I had already proven that I couldn’t do it. When I let go of me, and realized my true need, and that I was incapable on my own.. I felt the peace! A peace and calm like I have never felt before! In that moment God was with me and I could feel it! I calmed, stayed still and was able to get the epidural in a matter of seconds!!

I will forever look back on this moment…The first moment I physically felt God!

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