What to do?

I find us in this weird place again. The place where we’re not sure where belong.

For me there is a grander misplacement. But for our family it sits with our church.

It seems so stagnant and lifeless lately, like a chore.

We used to be active and seek out opportunities. We knew the fire and passion of our church. Now though we stay because we feel God wants us to pray for our church and be part of the change.

But that isn’t what’s happening. How do you know when it’s tome to move on. Is it ever? Would we be abandoning our church?

Where My Heart Lies

When I was 23, D and I worked with YWAM Panama. It was amazing. I loved every minute of it. I even loved the intense humidity.

Someday I want to go back. Yes for a visit, but that isn’t what I mean. Part of my heart lies in Panama. It lies with the people, the culture and most of all the children.

It wasn’t even just the outside that drew me in, it was me too. I knew who I was, I knew my God. I felt my God. I heard my God. My faith was not the definition of faith. I KNEW my God.

Here though, here it’s all clouded. I second guess, and I make excuses. I don’t trust in the voice of God. I walk a fine line seeing glimpses of Christ, but in a fog.

There are so many distractions here, so much that says it is not God.

It’s my job, my money, my family, my food, my car, my my my. I am impressive! Look at all the things I provide for myself. It is so easy to forget that it’s all from God. It’s easy to accept that it’s me and my doing. It’s easy to fall into the trap.

I’m working on listening and seeing God here and now. He’s here. He’s never left, I’m just not listening.

I’ll keep pushing through though.

It’s ok to be angry with Jesus

Today I learned yet a new lesson and a new level in my faith. It’s ok to be angry with Jesus.

There are a gazillion verses in the bible to help us through our anger. God knows it will be there. I think the most important thing we can do when we are angry with God… is tell Him.

The book of Habakkuk is all about this. God does not mind when we are angry, it’s what we do with it. Will that anger pull us away or draw us closer to him. It’s not a lot, but it’s one of the most important lessons we can learn.

Mastering it… well that’s another challenge entirely.

Failure

So my good friend Aimee has been telling me that I need to update this blog. Here goes...

How can you follow a God that you can't see? I don't know, but somehow I'm pulling along.
I believe there is a God, I believe there are people that can see God moving. I believe this is a common and everyday occurrence for some people. I used to be one of those people.
I don't know where it went, or how it went. I can't see God where I need to. He's there and he's moving, I just can't see it.
I find God in the small things, the beauty of the world, my husband, my son... but what about the big things. The ones that make the biggest ripple in who you become.
I'm so wrapped up in the unfairness of it all, that I am blind to what He's doing.
I know in my heart God answers and God moves and it's not always the way that you want it to be. But sometimes... sometimes you need it to be what you want.
It is our brokenness that allows us to see God. It is our need. You must hit the bottom before you can look up, or so I've heard.

How much further must I be broken to see Him? Why does my stubborn heart and concealed mind hold me back?
I have seen miracles with my own eyes... why is that not enough anymore?

My Verse

"Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20 Niv

As I’m sure you have noticed I haven’t been updating lately. I have just been having so much trouble. This morning though, God showed me a new lesson. It’s funny that you can look at the same verse over and over, and then one day…you learn something new about it.

Today God showed me something completely eye opening.

This was always my favorite verse because to me it meant that God would do great things with only a small amount of faith. This has always shown me the power that God has. He is magnificent and make something out of nothing. He is a God of anything!

Today though, I learned about God’s compassion for us. This verse reminds me that sometimes a miniscule amount of faith is all we have to give. God knows this about us. He knows that we will need this verse at times in our lives.

So even though my faith is in a waning stage, God has not forsaken me. God is still there for me. So today, yes I only have a tiny amount of faith. God will honor my tiny faith and grow it.

Be strong, be courageous and l have faith.

I’m Overwhelmed

Lately life’s fragility has surrounded me.  Is it possible to pray for all of them? Can it be? How can I really help them? Would God save them all?

Today I watched a video of a girl that will lose her life. She will lose her battle with CF. She only has a few days left. 

Sometimes I’m overwhelmed. Today is one of those days.

It’s like my heart is breaking off into little pieces. One for each of them. What do I do with this?

Part of me is so afraid. Afraid to put myself out there. Afraid to be a REAL friend to those who need me. I know that God has a reason he’s showing me all this. I know He has a reason that I am in their lives, and that I keep finding new people to bring in my life.

I know this in my head, but my heart is scared.

And lately, this fear has been paralyzing me, so to speak. I’m almost afraid to pray. What if He doesn’t answer in the way I want. What does that mean for my prayers?

Sometimes I even try to bargain with God. What if I were more faithful? What if I prayed every day for so and so? What if I prayed every hour?

What if it were just me praying, is that enough? What if it were 10,000 people? Does that make a difference? How does God choose?

What is He teaching me? And why is it so hard? Why is it so painful?

I know that this is nothing compared to those who are going through these things, and I’m sorry that I’m whining, but it’s too much to hold in. I have no answers, but I hope God teaches me something  tangible soon.

Prayer for the Little Ones - Jonah

From his blog:
On Feb 27th, 2009, we had Jonah, who was born with an extremely rare genetic skin disorder called Epidermolysis Bullosa. Jonah spent 32 scary days in the NICU, but is now at home! He has been diagnosed with Junctional EB, a very serious form of EB which CAN be fatal. The experts are fairly confident Jonah is non-Herlitz (less severe), although the biopsies were inconclusive. He faces a life of painful blisters, hair, nail, and major teeth issues, as well as the possibility of respiratory involvement. Jonah stays bandaged from the neck down. We suspect EB is the cause of Gabe's death. We know that no matter what happens with Jonah, God will be glorified. We can't wait to see Gabe in Heaven and can't wait for Jonah to meet his big brother a long, long, long time from now after he's old and gray and lived a long, full life. Please pray for a miracle for Jonah. We are.

My prayers for Jonah:
-Strength and encouragement for his mom; she seems to have hit a rough spot
-Help Jonah to eat solid foods
-Healing for Jonah

Prayer for the Little Ones – Kate

Sorry this is late.

Welcome to my weekly prayer for the little ones. I am so excited that I have found a way to show all of the many blogs for children that need prayer that I have come across. There is so much need in the world, and I am willing to give as much as I can. I hope that you join me in prayer for this little guys.

If you would like to be included or know of someone who should be please email me at

saffoa (at) gmail (dot) com

 

Click the photo to visit her website

Kate’s story (from her page)

Monday June 29th, 2009 was supposed to be a day filled with summer fun. The kids and I were going to the water park to celebrate summer. However, I noticed that a slight tremor in her right hand that she developed over the past 2-3 days had notably worsened. We decided to take her to her Pediatrician, just for safe measure. Her Dr decided to get a CT of Kate's head, to rule anything out. We proceeded to Phoenix Childrens Hospital for a stat CT of her head. At 5:30 I, Holly, Kate's mom, was taken into a room alone and told Kate had a massive tumor on the basil ganglia portion of her brain. The world stopped for us that day. I called her dad and through sobs told him to come to the hospital quickly. Our journey had begun. Kate was directly admitted to the PICU. One minute thoughts of the water park the next our child is critically ill in the PICU.  We would have never chosen to be a part of this journey with childhood cancer, but it was chosen for us, and our sweet Kate. She is now in the Phoneix Children's Hospital undergoing treatment for this disease.
Kate underwent a craniotomy with tumor resection on July 3rd, 2009. They unfortunately were only able to remove 50% of the tumor due to it's location in the left temporal lobe of her brain and the fact that the tumor had wrapped itself around major blood vessels to her brain. Kate experienced right sided paralysis immediately following surgery. She has since regained much of this, however right sided weakness still continues. 
After a few days of waiting the pathology report was in, Kate was diagnosed with a very malignant, aggressive brain tumor called a supratentorial primitive neuroectodermal tumor or sPNET. Our hearts were shattered. Dreams for our little 5 year old daughter put on hold to battle this monster. Long term prognosis and outcomes weren't encouraging so Kate has been put on a study that is showing a little more promising outcomes, hopefully a better chance at survival and less long term side effects. She is currently undergoing the Head Start 3 Study out of Los Angeles but doing it at Phoenix Children's Hospital. The study involves the initial brain surgery, 5 round of very intense chemotherapy with possibility of a subsequent brain surgery and then another round of chemo with a stem cell transplant. We are hoping to avoid radiation after transplant. Kate is also in physical therapy and occupational therapy and has been released from speech therapy.
We believe strongly in the power of prayer and the ability of Jesus to heal our precious daughter. Whether He does this through modern medicine or simply a divine touch, we aren't picky. We are asking others to join us on this journey and fervently pray for our Kate. The road is long and unbelievably hard. We have 3 children, all who are intensely affected. Olivia is now 7, Kate is 5 and Will is 4. Please keep all of us in your prayers as we try to walk this journey of childhood cancer. Thank you. 
As of September 29th Kate was readmitted to begin her 3rd round of chemo. She will be hospitalized for the entire round.

---

Kate will be undergoing extremely aggressive Chemo to try and rid her of this tumor.

I will be praying for

• Protection for her organs
• Strength for her family
• Her cancer would be healed

Also, today is world cancer day.

• I will also pray that doctors would find new information today that leads them to a cure for cancer

Humility

Humility is something that is not easily learned. In fact, most of the time it is quite a painful lesson. Lately I have been reminded of this more and more.

Each morning when I start my day I usually have a quick thought on this. Then I go about my day forgetting about my little thought. Then this leads to a painful day where I don't learn anything. I spend most of the time fighting and struggling against whatever it is that God is trying to teach me. Well that's great!

It is getting harder and harder to ignore these subtle cues
They are not even that subtle anymore. For the last 3 months I have been a very difficult position. Everyday it gets worse and worse. And everyday I fight it more and more. As troubling as it is I am realizing that fighting it won't work. I can only change how I react to it. Yes yes people say that all the time. Everyone KNOWS that. But when you are in the midst of something, do you really know it?

So this is me learning yet another common sense lesson. Ugh these are so hard. Hard to learn and hard to swallow.

I'm not sure what this humbling will look like. I think there is a fine line between being humble and being walked on. Not to mention my pride is in there too. Today I'm giving up. I'm going to look to see where God is showing me the lessons he want me to learn. I'm going to open my eyes, finally. I expect lots of painful growing today.

Everyone has something they need to learn to be more humble about. Maybe it's a spouse or a job or even a disease, where is it that you can be more humble today?

Prayer for the Little Ones - Phoenix

Welcome to my weekly prayer for the little ones. I am so excited that I have found a way to show all of the many blogs for children that need prayer that I have come across. There is so much need in the world, and I am willing to give as much as I can. I hope that you join me in prayer for this little guys.

If you would like to be included or know of someone who should be please email me at

saffoa (at) gmail (dot) com

 

Phoenix is almost 2 and has cystic fibrosis. I have read a bunch of their past posts. He seems like a real fighter and a sweet little boy. Please head on over to his blog, read his story and send up a prayer for him.

My prayers for Phoenix:

• Continued weight gain
• Strength and renewed encouragement for his family
• That God would clear a path for his insurance to cover all the treatment that he needs.

Thanks for reading.

*Sorry I haven’t been blogging for the past week. I will be starting a new adventure in the bible soon, so look out for that.

Prayer For the Little Ones – Lydia Eileen

As I go along this blogging journey, I find myself more and more addicted to reading other blogs. People have so much to say, it's truly amazing. I have even amazed myself at how much I have to say.

There are blogs about everything…everyday life, technology, finance, blogging, family, children, etc etc. Out of these thousands and thousands of blogs I find myself coming across the same types of blogs over and over. About 80% of the blogs I see are for children that are in need of prayer.

This has really got me thinking. Why me? Why now? And what am I to do with this?

I have come to a small conclusion.

I am starting a new segment, Prayer for the Little Ones. Each Wednesday (I hope) I will be posting the site of a child who needs prayer or a family that has been through these tough times and are sharing their lives.

If you would like to be included or know of someone who should be please email me at

saffoa (at) gmail (dot) com

Lydia Eileen is the Little One that needs prayer closest to my heart. While you may have seen me discuss her here before. I again urge you intercede on her behalf. Her blog can be found at http://www.lydiaeileen.blogspot.com. You can get her prayer button on my sidebar.

Lydia’s story (from her blog)

“On August 20, 2009 God changed our lives by giving us a beautiful little girl. Lydia was born with Zellweger Syndrome, a genetic disorder that has no cure. This is the story of her life, and our dealings with the God who created her and who is daily drawing us closer to Himself. Thank you for your love and support for our family.”

My prayers for Lydia:

• strength like she never has had before
• a seizure free night
• miraculous healing for each cell in her body
• peace, strength and rest for her parents as they walk this difficult road

Check back next week for a new Little One to pray for.

Even the Smallest of Prayers

The other night I sent a friend of mine a message that I would pray something for her family on Facebook. As I typed this out, I said a quick prayer. I had intentions to sit down and meet with God at a less crazy time that evening, one where I could truly focus. Sadly that did not happen. My prayer was forgotten and the night ended.

The next day I received a note from my friend that my prayer had been answered.

I am not proud to say, but I was pleasantly shocked!

Why is it that I was shocked? I should not be shocked. God answers all prayers, even the smallest of them.

This has been a humbling lesson from God. A lesson on what childlike faith should look like. I believe because God said He would answer.

Walking on Your Own Faith

You would be amazed at how long you can walk on borrowed faith, on how long I have walked on borrowed faith. It's like when you are gaining weight, and all the sudden, one day your pants don't fit. Your not sure when or how it happened but one day, BAM! You wake up and realize you've fallen so far.
Sure, you listen to Christian radio, and read Christian magazines (or blogs), you have Christian friends. It's all great, but whose faith are you standing on?
I'm sure there is an exact moment where you stop listening directly to God and His Word and begin listening to people and what they say about His Word, but who can say where that is? Now I'm not saying that listening to others is bad, its the stop listening to God part that's worrisome.
So you wake up one day and find this, then what? I've had grand plans before..."I'm going to read my bible everyday!" I am good at that for a week, two, maybe even three. So then what. I'll be honest here, I have no golden answer. Here's what I am going to do though.
1) Ask God to give me a passion for His Word.
2) Set my alarm (blackberry) to remind me everyday.
I'm starting small. We'll see where this goes. If I can master these two things then I'll add another.

Following God Through Feelings

 

Most of the time when I am following God, it is because it started as a small feeling, deep in my heart.

For as long as I can remember…I have always heard not to follow your feelings. Feelings can be swayed…a fickle heart and all that.

Each time, this lingers at the back of my mind. Every time I think that God is showing me something, I worry about this. I am tired of this. I am tired of feeling like God wouldn’t or couldn’t show me things through my feelings. I am tired of feeling like my feelings are evil, or I am not a good enough Christian because I listen to them.

Who are these people that say this? Why are they doing this to people like me? Do they genuinely believe that God would give us these feelings and then not use them for His good? (This last one is a recent revelation one to me). And lastly, do they realize that they are limiting God this way?

So, I’m here to buck the trend and listen to my feelings!! I know! It’s crazy.

That said, I think there are a few rules to this.

1. You must know that God uses everything at His disposal to help guide, teach and use us.

2. You must listen to God in more ways than one. Communication is key.

3. Is what you are feeling biblical? Does it go against God?

Then what?

Here’s where more listening and some faith comes in.

Pray about it…and take a step in that direction…then pray about it again, and listen.

God will direct you from there. And if you need to, keep taking steps, until you are sure.

God is a great God. God can use your feelings. Don’t be afraid of listening to them.